So I'm partially writing this blog because of my resolution to blog more, and partially by a request. (Shoutout to Clay! You're one cool guy to want to actually read my random thoughts.)
I had an adventure getting to Taco Bell and the store today. I left and found out that the car was running on empty, so I ran into a gas station as quick as possible and got stuck waiting to get out because the oncoming traffic was steady and wouldn't let me by. It was awful. I felt like a little kid waiting to cross the street.
But needless to say, I made it through and got to both places in time. Even though by the time I got to my chalupa, which is sitting in front of me half eaten, it was cold. Darn.
My blog is split into two parts today. The good and the bad, in that order.
Well, this is my last year in the Carolinas. Even if I wasn't leaving by myself, my family would eventually and that would mean me too. I'm going to FMA after Christmas this year, which is the Forerunner Music Academy in Kansas City at IHOP-KC. I had thought about it for years, and now am decided. I felt the Lord tug on my heart to go, and even though it's painful and I know I'll get cold feet near the end of my time here and not want to go, I know it will be good.
I love the song Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. It's one of the sweetest, most beautiful songs ever written. Usually it's a summertime song, meaning that's when I listen to it (yes, I have seasonal songs), but today it's been going through my head. I guess I really want something like that to happen in my life one day. And it probably has a deeper, more significant meaning to me than people will pick up. I think I see it differently. Something about music, lyrics in particular, is that I SEE it play out before my eyes. I've studied it a little bit and it's something a very small amount of people have, where they SEE music and the stories within it come to life. So I see a story in Strawberry Swing that is absolutely lovely as it plays out in front of me. I think it's a lot of why I love music, and why I'm a lyrics person. I don't really know very many people at all who get into lyrics nearly as much as I do. They may like them, but for me lyrics really make a song.
Last night I was under great spiritual and emotional oppression, I felt tormented and I just couldn't shake it off. It was AWFUL. At about 1:30 I went downstairs to see if eating something would help, and while I was down there I found myself saying outloud, "You're name is stronger than any oppression!" and just saying Jesus' name over and over again. I felt a lot of relief after that.
On another note, I'm beginning to think I'm not created for close friendships with people, period. I just don't see the world the same as most people, simple as that. I don't usually vent personal problems with people to the public, but I'm going to make an exception today.
I have a friend that is frustrating the heck out of me. It's not the fact that we aren't agreeing that's making me think he's disloyal, it's the fact that he's simple SEARCHING for ways to fight with me, annoy me, anger me, make me mad, fluster and frustrate me. You don't freaking do that to your friends. I've had enough of that and I don't need it from another person, I get that enough from my unsaved friends AND my enemies. Don't just try and pick at me the way you are. And don't rub in times that something I did failed, or someone I rooted for lost, or really just try and make me feel bad.
Maybe you don't get this, maybe it somehow escaped your notice, but I'm a FEELER. I feel your jabs strongly. And THAT, sir, is disloyalty. The fact you try and hurt me. Have your disagreements with me. But don't push stuff into my face.
If stuff from my enemies, like the kids that call me faggot every time they see me both to my face and behind my back, hurts me, it's gonna hurt a heck of a lot more from those I trust and love. I've invested my time, heart, and energy into you, and if this was just a one time or two time thing, I wouldn't be so indignant. But it's happened too much, too close together. Just because I'm willing to let you into my life, you shouldn't take me for granted, because I am indeed a living person with my own heart and emotions that you're trampling on.
Oh, and by the way, the thing about the snow? That was HOW long ago and you're STILL bringing it up? It was a disagreement forever ago and it shouldn't be on your mind now, it has nothing to do with our current situation. It was a small thing, you're right, so why the heck are you still bringing it up? I'm VERY mad at you right now, and I'm gonna try not to say stuff I'll really regret later on.
Ah that felt good to get out, and that isn't even all of what I'm thinking. I feel relieved after letting all that bottled up stuff out. I really don't like exposing personal business to the world. And I'll try and keep this a one time thing on my side. I just felt like I really needed to say it.
