A very random and jumbled post...my thoughts leap ahead of my fingers

These days just flow by, one joining into another like raindrops converging to make a puddle.

And I honestly hate it. I feel awful, for many different reasons. Life can get so tough. I feel like a stranger in my own skin right now, wondering where I went, when I'll come back to replace me, and who the heck I am. I'm a stranger trying to figure out my heart when it was way too complex for me as it was, when I had more of a grip on myself.

I'm drifting, drifting, drifting out...mm like I'm on the ocean...ready to let it all go and just float endlessly along. I'll be a ship just laying on the waves and moving wherever the wind may blow. Future? What future? Oh, you mean my dreams? They aren't dead...just sleeping.

Lots of things have happened since my last blog, sadly way too long ago. I am now seventeen years old. I have a new outlook on some of my life. I'm changing in so many ways. Pain takes shape in my heart and teaches me new things. Although so tough right now, I feel like I've gained some of the colour back in my life.

Some things never change. I have not once doubted the Lord's love for me since I was 13 years old. That won't change. I'm still lacking height, I've still got eyes so big and star-filled I think I get mistaken for an alien sometimes, and very curly hair that seems to be alive. I'm still Alec Burnett, strange girl with the boy's name that gets looked at weirdly when she responds to roll-calls for that very reason. The one whose name gets corrected by spellcheck. The unique one with the crooked smile, piercing stare, and awkward stance. I'm me.

Words surround me and lyrics seep into my soul...I connect with music like the stars connect with the sky...

"Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown. I know more than I wanted to know, I've said more than I wanted to say. I'm heading home. Yeah, but I'm not so sure the home is a place you can still get to by train."

Jon Foreman is one of my heroes because he sings right out of my heart. A place to call home. I've seen it but I have yet to live there. You know, I kinda feel dead. What a tough year. And right now I'm not doing what I love. I know it's not this way for everyone, but if I'm not doing what I love I feel like I'm sitting here useless, doing nothing, helping no one, contributing absolutely zero to a world of broken people.

Bingo. There we go. I feel useless. I like to create, and one of those reasons is because I've seen it change people, I've seen their faces light up, and I've seen joy on their countenance when they come in contact things that are produced from the soul.

But I'm just...not...doing it. I'm sitting here looking for loyalty and striving to remember the hope I know remains in my heart. Something has got to change.

"So I'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin. I'll be alone but maybe more carefree, like a kite that floats so effortlessly. I was afraid to be alone, now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be...all these faces none the same, how can there be so many personalities?

So many lifeless empty hands, so many hearts in great demand. And now my sorrow seems so far away until I'm taken by these bolts of pain, but I turn them off and tuck them away, until these rainy days that make them stay. And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs and the words still ring, once here, now gone; And they echo through my head everyday, and I don't ever think they'll ever go away. Just like thinking of your childhood home, but we can't go back, we're on our own.

But I'm about to give this one more shot, and find it in myself, I'll find it in myself."

Mm-hm...yeah....this is me. I really love Azure Ray. They accurately place me in their songs without even realizing it. It gets better.

"So we're speeding towards that time of year to the day that marks that you're not here, and I think I'll want to be alone, so please understand if I don't answer the phone. I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until I can see nothing at all, only particles, some fast, some slow. All my eyes can see is all I know.

But I'm about to give this one more shot and find it in myself, I'll find it in myself."

Tomorrow doesn't have to be just another day. So I won't let it be.

My heart Desires Strange and Mysterious Things

Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.

Do I understand my heart? No. Only one does, and it's not me. Am I ok with that? Yes. I actually prefer it. Because now I have the pleasure of discovering and learning about my own heart, a masterpiece created by the most perfect and beautiful of all beings. I have many passions, dreams, hopes, ideas, longings....mm. Give me Jesus, please. Of everything I want, they all pale in comparison to how much I want to know my Papa.

You know simple things about his love make me cry. Like this Jon Foreman song, Your Love Is Strong.

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me

Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

Just how could I not tear up being reminded of how strong the love of the Lord is? I mean really. Such a good, good, good God! And he loves me. He really loves me.

Your Love Is A Song.

I hear you breathing in,
another day begins.
The stars are falling out,
my dreams are fading now, fading out.

I've been keeping my eyes wide open,
I've been keeping my eyes wide open.

Ooh your love is a symphony
all around me,
running through me.

Ooh your love is a melody
underneath me,
running to me.

Your love is a song...

The dawn is fire bright
against the city lights.
The clouds are glowing now;
the moon is blacking out.



I've been keeping my mind wide open,
I've been keeping my mind wide open.

Ooh Your love is a symphony
all around me,
running through me.

Ooh Your love is a melody
underneath me,
running to me.

Oh, your love is a song,
your love is a song...
Oh, your love is a song,
you love is a song...

With my eyes wide open,
I've got my eyes wide open,
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken.

Ooh your love is a symphony
all around me,
running through me.

Ooh your love is a melody
underneath me,
running to me.

Oh your love is a song!
Your love is my remedy!
Your love is a song...

-Switchfoot.

It broke my heart wide, wide open again. Oh God, your love is my song.

Of sparrows and flames.

Wait, it's November? Really? Time gets away, especially when you don't own your own computer DESPITE promises of one...*cough*schoolisgettinghardPapa*cough*.

Well, I've never really been sure how to blog. It's always been so much different than my journal, that no one sees, and I recently found out that many more eyes are on this blog than I realized. It's a great feeling, and also kind of astounding that more than a few people are interested in my random thoughts and ideas. I really do just spill stuff here. A little here, a little there from my very confusing and vast mind.

Now what have I been up to...
I got a motorbike. I really, really, REALLY love it. It's amazing, and it's got so much personality. I named him Vincent. Vincent Valentine, and I'm probably gonna paint him red. I actually named him after an old favorite character of mine.
I also went to an awesome vintage shop with Kelly and found this amazing dress that actually fits me. Yes, I said it. Something that's not falling off of me, that actually stays on my small frame. It's incredible. It's blue. It's perfect.
I also found some sweet silver leather heels with gold plated toes. And it was all really cheap. I love thrift shopping so much.
I want a cloak. When my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and Christmas this year, I told her that. She stared, then laughed, then said I've always asked for the strangest presents. It's true.

I want a dog, a long dark cloak with a huge hood and really big pockets inside of it, an early trip to KC (which my parents really seem to like)...I guess those are the main three.

Well I really didn't have much to say. Not practical things anyway. I just knew I needed to post something.

I'm doing some self portraits tomorrow. I'll try and post some soon.

Much love.

With all my love.

"’You do not yet look as happy as I mean you to be.’
Lucy said, ‘We’re so afraid of being sent away, Aslan. And you have sent us back into our own world so often.’
‘No fear of that,’ said Aslan. ‘Have you not guessed?’
Their hearts leaped and a wild hope rose within them.
‘There was a real railway accident,’ said Aslan softly. ‘Your father and mother and all of you are – as you used to call it in the Shadowlands – dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is over: this is the morning.’
And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has ever read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
— C.S. Lewis (The Last Battle)

I have such hope. I'm bright, I feel bright, I see life as bright.

So excited

Can't believe this studio is where I used to eat dinner, ha.

Bursting at the seams with life, life, life...oh QC. You have my heart.

Thinking with my heart

“You think with your heart. Do you know how beautiful that is?”
“No.”
“One day you will.”

I think with my heart and not my mind. It leaves me vulnerable and wide open, my primary tendency being to make decisions based on emotion. As an artist I practically breathe emotion, passion, and anything meaningful and deep to me. I am not a scientist, thinking in logic, formulas, and what makes sense. There is a true and real beauty in that, but it’s not what I lean towards.

Logic invalidated who I was time and time again. I was my heart. My heart didn’t make sense. It was worthless. I remember being told my opinion meant nothing because it was not based on logic, but emotion. I believe that more often than not, emotion means something. It’s the part of the heart that’s oh so important, yet doesn’t make sense. It can’t be explained to you, it can’t be understood. But it’s there, and it’s there for a reason. It’s a beautiful mystery.

Not that emotion can’t be irrational and downright unjustified, but often, if you look beneath the surface, you find reason in emotion itself. If there is one thing that thinking with my heart gives me, it’s compassion. If I see anyone in pain I hurt for them. As important as justice is to me, I long for mercy even for the bad guys in the stories I read, that they would be redeemed and go on to touch people in love and graciousness. Redemption is such an important word to me. I was redeemed myself. Why not share with others the very gift that sets me free? The only thing that sets me apart from those who don’t know God is grace.

It was grace, grace, grace that God decided to give to me. God revealed himself to me in his word and his unrelenting love. And who am I to receive that love and that gift when I deserve nothing of it? I am no better than my brother or sister beside me. So how could I not share the love and grace shown to me? My heart will not let me walk away from one in need of the very thing that saved my soul.

A good friend and I once had a conversation.

“You think with your heart. Do you know how beautiful that is?”

“No.”

“One day you will.”

I think I’m beginning to see it.

"Hello Hurrican, you're not enough. Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love."

My favorite time is starting. The colder weather comes in, the stars brighten at night. My happiest memories are of the seasons just now beginning.

Not to say this summer wasn't good. Oh it was, not because anything big happened. It was more of an awakening, really. And preparation of what's coming. In a lot of ways it truly was a hurricane. Which is why I find Switchfoot's new album name and title track so perfect.

"Hello hurricane, you're not enough.
Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love.
I've got doors and windows boarded up,
all your dead end fury is not enough,
you can't silence my love."

I will not be silenced. Slap me upside the head, beat me with all you got, I will not let my love be silenced. I was created to love, and I refuse to let that part of me be taken by the pain and worries and trials of the world. My heart is a precious child, I won't forget the wonder of the world around me. It will not happen.

You know, even if I don't know where I'll be even a few months from now. My Papa's got it. Peace is mine to hold. I'm going to do what I love most, and keep my ears and mind wide open, and let's just see where he takes me. I have no doubt he's got a purpose for my being here. This season we're coming into? I'm going to enjoy it thoroughly. I know it's not just a literal changing of seasons, but a spiritual one too. He's pulling me up to take something. You know what Papa? I'm excited. It's gonna be a good autumn and winter. I am absolutely sure of it.

I can look to my left right now, and outside this window I already see a few fiery leaves. It's coming in early. Hallelujah, Jesus. I'm ready to go.

"I never noticed my heart before"

"Careful when you open
It's easy to be broken
In the strangest fashion
You start a chain reaction
When you look my way
Something's pounding away
And I wonder if I ever felt this before

And all this time it was staring me blind
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before

You are reaching something that is beating
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before
Over and again they sink out of my skin
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before

At least it was never so obvious as
Now or never
You put me back together
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart's reaction
This part of you is nothing that I'm used to
But I wont close my eyes cause they're onto you
And all this time it was staring me blind
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before

The only time I noticed my heart is when I noticed you did, you did."

"Get me away from here, I'm dying! Play me a song to set me free."

"...And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around from far away across the world he smelled good things to eat so he gave up being king of where the wild things are. But the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go- we'll eat you up- we love you so!" And Max said, "No!" The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved good-bye and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him- and it was still hot." Maurice Sendak - Where the Wild Things Are

Friends.

I want to be where the wild things are. Where are they? Where? I need to create. Oh so inspired...painting, photography, music, more...and more and more and more. It's simply driving me crazy to feel all of this inside of me. How do I get it out? I feel like Yael Naim's song Far Far. Sarah Eve heard this song awhile back and immediately thought of me. It really does describe me just about perfectly.

"Far far, there's this little girl,
she was praying for something to happen to her.
Everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside.
And she's strong when the dreams come 'cause they
take her, cover her, they are all over.
The reality looks far now, but don't go.

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside.
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside.

Far far, there's this little girl,
she was praying for something good to happen to her.
From time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands.
They invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarelle rivers,
but don't you run away already
please don't go.

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside.
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside.
Take a deep breath and dive,
There's a beautiful mess inside.
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess,
beautiful mess inside.

Oh beautiful, beautiful.

Far far there's this little girl,
she was praying for something big to happen to her.
Every night she hears beautiful strange music,
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide.
But if it fades she begs
"Oh Lord don't take it from me, don't take it."

She says, "I guess I'll have to give it birth,
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere."

Just look at yourself now,
deep inside,
deeper than you ever dared,
there's a beautiful mess inside."

This describes me all over. Only in the past few years have I realized many things I see are not normal, nor many things I do. Like the way I dream. I often hear it narrated to me in words of beauty...or I hear music and later convey it through my instruments.

When I hear a song I see a picture, when I see a picture I hear a song. I see colors and images and...I guess that's why I love photography so much. I can see an image I want to capture before I ever even see it. I really just have to do something. All the time.

Back to the wild things. There is one inside of me. It's asleep, but I think it's awakening.

"He's doing a new thing, so we're singing a new song."

To look up into that grace. Not in offense, but in honest, a question that escapes.

"Why?"

To leave all I know and love, to know that my time with my beloved queen may be up. Melodies wafting down roads like a sweet smell. Street lamps illuminating the desires of my heart: a city with personality, spunk, and much to offer. Open hearts for seeds to be planted, hearts growing a harvest, hearts bearing much fruit.

I've seen days with open blue skies, and days with pouring rain. The drops just washing away the impurities of the earth so that when the sun shines again, it can smile on a freshly clean world, sparkling in response to the rays of gold. The rain here smells different than elsewhere. Clean and fresh, sweet to the senses.

I've seen shooting stars on bright and cold winter nights, fresh hot apple cider on bracing fall evenings. In the summertime my city shares a thousand new sounds, as though creation is a life or death matter. During the spring a feeling of rebirth is in the air, like the buds appearing on the trees represent all of our ambitions for the days ahead, reawakened and alive yet again. These memories are more valuable to me than all the gems in the world.

This queen is royal not only in looks, but in the ways she holds herself. I know many here burning for Christ, hearts full of passion that will never be extinguished. They carry themselves as truly regal. It's a sight to remember, one forever burned into my mind as something precious.

Most importantly, though, this city is where I received true life in more than simple theory. Here I met my creator, who then became my savior. I realized a Father's love in a way I could have never dreamed, a beautiful relationship began that has been nurtured and cared for by my surroundings. Such a rich environment to allow me to flourish, even in the midst of much adversity. This city is a jewel that I pray will never be lost.

All of this but a fraction of my heart for my beautiful, beautiful queen. And after reviewing everything, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, I know that I would never trade a second of it.

And it comes back to that questions, while looking up into that grace. The infinite grace I can never hope to comprehend.

"Why?"

Eyes of fire look back at me. Grace, grace, grace. All I can see is his grace. He smiles. I start to cry. And then he speaks, a whisper that is louder than thunder:

"You have done well, my daughter, you have done well."

I collapse in his arms.

Paper Tongues. One incredible sound.

Coming very very soon. Go buy Trinity now!

"But when I look at the stars..."

Friends.

This is probably going to be random and jumbled and out of order, but that's how it is in my head, and I simply have to get it out somewhere. I apologize for the mess of my heart and passions and dreams. But if you're willing to dive in, perhaps it will touch you somehow. Be careful not to trip over my ambitions, swing under my goals, and see what you can catch along the way.

To create is useless to me unless it affects someone. I want to be able to sing into stadiums, not for the attention or glory, but simply to have the words CHANGE people. I want the Lord to anoint my words and have them go so, so far. I cannot simply make something and not have it DO something for the world around me, for the precious children of my God, for my brothers and my sisters.

A movement. I want to start a movement, and again, not for me, but for those all around me. And all I can do for now is just pray. And that's so much, but seems like so little.

To be honest I'd love to create a movie, play one of the characters, direct it, write it, do some camera work, play the music for it, do it all. Why? Because I always have ideas for stories, and even before I write them I can see the scenes in my head, happening right before me. I see what I write, LITERALLY, in pictures. I can see the music I hear. I want to turn it into something visual to affect people like it does me.

Beauty, oh beauty. Lately I've had an obsession with beauty. Beautiful things, beautiful words, beautiful music, beautiful songs, beautiful people. And I think I was created to love beauty, and create beauty, and see the beauty in a falling world.

Maybe I can remind people that even though everything around them may seem dark, there is always beauty. Simply in the Lord, he is everything that is beautiful. I crave it. Not only to be beautiful outside, more to be beautiful inside. I want to stop making so many mistakes, I want to be like my beautiful, beautiful Jesus.

Sunflowers represent hope to me. It may sound silly, but this is why: Sunflowers follow the sun from the moment it rises to the moment it sets. And when darkness sets in, and the sun isn't anywhere to be found, they bow their heads, as though in prayer, and await the morning.

I want to follow the Lord, and when I cannot see him, pray. I have hope in another day, to rise and follow him again. My hope is that my words will change things. My hope is that God is on my side. My hope is that the way I hurt so much for the people around me is not for nothing, rather for something very, very big.

Much love.

"See You Soon" and "I Thought I Saw Your Face Today" (I post song lyrics when it's what I feel that day)

Yes, this sums up how I feel.

"So you lost your trust
And you never should have
No,you never should have
But don't break your back
If you ever hear this
But don't answer that

In a bullet proof vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
I'll see you soon
In a telescope lens
And when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon

So they came for you
They came snapping at your heels
They come snapping at your heels
But don't break your back
If you ever say this
But don't answer that

In a bullet proof vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
I'll see you soon

In a telescope lens
And when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon
And oh,

And oh, you lost your trust
And oh, you lost your trust
No, don't lose your trust
No, you lost your trust"




"I thought I saw your face today
But I just turned my head away
Your face against the trees
But I just see the memories
As they come
As they come

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

I saw it glitter as I grew
And loved it why I never knew
I thought this place was heaven sent
But now it's just a monument
In my mind
In my mind

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

The cars and freeways implore me to stay
Away out of this place
My mother said, "Just keep your head, and play it as it lays."

I somehow see what's beautiful
In things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend of mine
And love is just a piece of time
In the world
In the world

And I couldn't help but fall I love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again"

See You Soon
I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

"I am no fool. I can tell when someone glances at me with more than just idle eyes."

A conversation between two good friends over a spontaneous, fantastically cooked meal at 10 PM. The smell of tomato and garlic fills the air. They smile, senses delighting at the first bite.

Soon more than just the fragrance of pasta fill the air. Compassion.

Each feels for the other at the remarks of pain. They slow their forks. The blue-eyed girl smiles at the one with the breaking voice.

"I want to remind you of something. Of what I said earlier. It is better to love, even in pain, than not love at all. It is better to love, even if you never win it back. But I believe that you will."

Brown eyes shine back at her as she remembers what was told her in a stairwell not too long ago by the same person now at her side: "I think you are the exception. The one out of a million."

She pauses...then replies to the blue-eyed one. "I see now what you mean. I have seen him look at me. I am no fool. I can tell when someone glances at me with more than just idle eyes."

A look passes between them. This is a night of fellowship. What the future holds for each is not yet known by any man. But one thing we can be sure of. It is bright.

"The tendency in today's culture is to want to be a star, but I want to be a servant."

Friends.

Oh my goodness, I am so weak. SO weak. I need to extend grace, but even more than that I need it extended to me. Jesus, help me. I really, really loathe what I see in myself.

"When everything inside me
Looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take."

I need to love my brother. He is my BROTHER. If I do not love my brother, than what am I? I am so mad at him right now, for sure, but I need to love him. And I will...I'm determined to. That is my choice. I will love him no matter what, I will work at love. Because love is worth fighting for.

"There are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list." -Jamie Tworkowski

"If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end. I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand." -Rise Against

I love words, quotes, poems, songs, lyrics, stories. So powerful. Some friends of mine have been showing me some real strong, deep, and wise ones. I really just want to be a servant. I love the stars....but I would rather be a servant.

And have hope. Hope is important. Hope is a fruit of the spirit. Where hope is, the spirit resides.

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars. The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I'm a seriously messed up person. I guess you can probably see that. I lack so much grace, so much humility, so much...righteousness. To be like a man called Jesus...that is what I seek. I have such a long way to go. But one day, with his help, I hope to reach that goal.

My blogs lately feel so scrambled, messed up, random, and confusing. I apologize if you are subjected to this madness. Don't feel like you have to read anything I write. I only write because I was created to. And this is simply a means of release and expression.

Love.

"You know the one thing you're fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you've got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You're gonna die to try what can't be done"

Oh Jesus...what's coming? It's so strong...right there. I feel it, a big change that I will never turn back from. That's why I feel like crying. Something is dying, and something is being birthed. It's painful...but it's good. It's necessary for me to grow. And I do want to grow...I'm so young. I enjoy this youth, but I know it can't last forever. Oh Peter Pan, what a true, true story you are. I love that book.

Man. I'm leaving something behind...only to gain something I do not yet know. I suppose I'll know after I've gained it. Ok Lord. Whatever you're doing, I trust you. I'm ready, my hands are open, fill them with whatever you may.

Love.

"If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end, I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand."

Friends.

I feel so...indescribable. I mean what is this? I'm ready to hit the city and just walk for hours and hours and not say a word....take some pictures. Smile at some faces. Drink a chai. Maybe whistle a tune.

I really need to get out. Mmm....roadtrip sounds too wonderful. I've just got these dang responsibilities and no cash. At least for now. But I will get out soon....travel is needed.

I did a shoot yesterday. Some self portraits. Unfortunately I really hate the way I looked yesterday. Post-show madness. But I loved the picture taking process. I can't even describe it, it's just so good to have a camera in my hand. I need a tripod badly though. A nice big one. I'm accepting donations if you have a spare. ;)


I also just watched Taken. Let me say one word. BREATHTAKING. I loved it. An amazing demonstration of a father's love. I mean I can only say wow. Go watch it. Now.
My thoughts are really scattered right now. This post is pretty random. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess.

So I pretty much just am ready to get out and do stuff. Meet new people. Do new things. And it's coming soon. I know it is...I can feel it. Alright, so here I am. I'm ready. We'll see what happens.

Love.

I'm building a city, a city in my heart, a city for you.

My heart is building a city
With tall towers and wide open streets
It's a city in my heart, a city for you.

Matthew 5:14-16
“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

I really love Jesus. A lot. He's my favorite. He's my best friend. My BFF. He means everything to me. He has given me a new song. He has given me victory. He has died to give me FREEDOM. I will never be able to express my love for him. And what's even better is that he will always love me more. Always. I can only hope to measure up to a small fraction of the way he loves me.

And just to update, I leave you with these words.

"The world gets hard, and my heart is blinking vacant....
Did you see me when our eyes did meet tonight?

I took the step, I turned and I stared to face you,
Am I worth the time, do I even tempt your mind?

If you should leave across the sea, I'd find you
'Cause there's only one, and I know it's you tonight.

Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!


We all were made to love somebody,
Let go child, why try to fight it?
If you should change your mind tomorrow,
I'd still be here to love, I promise..."

-Promise

"You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first, I loved you first."

Dear friends.

Sweet, sweet Carolina Town. My home that I love. I still feel as though I never want to leave it sometimes. But I know adventures wait beyond that which I can see, and that all things come to an end eventually. Spring changes into Summer, Summer into Fall. And then blows in the winter, cold and strong and dazzlingly brilliant. A changing of seasons. Still, I will enjoy my time here, however long it may be.

Summer is ALWAYS nostalgic for me. More than any other time. I think it's something in the lingering summer evenings, so beautiful as the sunlight spreads it's golden fingers across everything within it's reach. And it just makes me breathe deeply and think. Oh memories, so precious and so few, of climbing the trees and swinging from the branches, of swimming and picnicing and running until my feet gave out. I so closely relate to Deathcab's song Summer Skin right now.

"Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin."

Really, without meaning to, I've begun to grow up. How did this happen?

Don't get me wrong. I'm still so young, and still so ignorant of the world around me. But not quite like I once was. Here is the transformation into something new, and hopefully beautiful.
This is always the season where I most feel like crying, even if I don't actually shed tears. I think it's the sadness of losing something so precious, of growing up and having to leave behind a bit of innocence, a pinch of carelessness, a smidgen of wonder.

Also, though, I know that there is joy in growing older. I gain wisdom, learn prudence, appreciate character, acquire patience and kindness and self-control. I gain responsibility, but with that privilege. I can enjoy new aspects of life, and do things I couldn't before, go new places.

I simply think the change is worth it. It's inevitable either way, but I think I'll choose to look forward to it. And at the same time, I'll enjoy these last few years as a teenager. I'm turning 18 the end of next year. What a weird thought.

Love.

The truth is....I am who I am and I love who I am because God loves who I am and made me who I am.

The season of my soul is shifting. Here it comes, here it is. Everywhere I look I see God. He is coming, he is here. I'm being called to who I am supposed to be, and who I will be, and who I am. I am at the Wailing Wall of my heart, sending up letters to God. There they go, there they are.

Lord, give me a song and I will sing it to you. Give me a voice and I will give it back. Give me a gift and I will lift it up before you. Give me a smile and it will be all in your name. It's all for you. Here I am. I'm ready to move in what you've got.

A change just happened. A calm breakthrough. The sun came out after the storm has passed, although the storm will again appear. But somehow I have both the grace and peace to keep moving.

My call is one I am hearing even clearer than before. And I'm responding, no doubt, no fear, all faith.

"This Is Your Life"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

My favorite?

Friends.

I just really like Fireworks. I don't think there's a deeper meaning than that to my favorite holiday being the 4th of July. There might end out being one in the future, but for now I just love the fireworks and night and togetherness shared.

I love the sight, smell, sound, everything about those fiery explosions in the sky! My nickname used to be Firecracker. I still feel like it suits me.
I'm not going to try and come up with something super profound about fireworks. At least not in this post, maybe the next if you're lucky (haha).

I just remembered something. Matt Nathanson's album is called "Beneath These Fireworks". That makes me love him even more.

I love a memory I have of shooting off fireworks at our house back on Preston Court. I was maybe 11, and I had saved up money to buy some fireworks that went on sale after the 4th.
Some people from our Harp and Bowl meetings were there: Bethany and Christie were the ones I was most excited about, I was honored to have a couple of my favorite people watching ME set off MY fireworks MYSELF.
I remember the feeling of lighting the fuses myself and running like crazy towards our big magnolia tree, watching in delight as the sparks went sizzling everywhere.

Nothing special happened that night. It's just a pleasant memory of no fights, no stress, just a pretty display with my family and friends that I was able to provide. It's silly really, I don't know why I like it so much.

And to continue on the fireworks, my mom hates the 4th so we never do anything. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be taking the light-rail uptown by myself tomorrow, unless Kelly joins me, and I'll buy an ice cream and watch the night sky explode into vibrance and color. It's not that bad being alone. I'll probably enjoy it, although I'd love it if Kell can tag along.

I'm a sixteen year old girl in a messed up world, trying my best to live up to what I want to be, a perfect follower of Christ. Life has been rough recently. But at least tomorrow I can sit back, relax, and just watch a beautiful display of something I love.

Much love.

Thousands of words and so few of them fitting.

Friends.

There are many words I could say right now. Some bitter, vile, angry frustrated words, filled with questions and rage. Some sad, deep, painful words, speaking of hurt and abandonment, of hopelessness and depression.

I could pour out about the things I feel unjust in my life right now, drip words onto this page like tears. Truly I feel vulnerable, and angry about that.
I could string up everything I deem an injustice towards me up here for all to see, accurate or not, simply because I feel like it.
I could gush about everything that's built up and is now coming back to haunt me, unresolved and vengeful.
I could scream at the world via this blog about how I feel like I have no future, that the negativity spoken over my future that once seemed so bright has dimmed the way I see it.
I could tell you all the things that I'm afraid of, never willing to face, always willing to run, my bravery a joke in the face of such serious tragedies.
I could tell you about how I'm ready to face them because I know I am not defined by my mistakes, or the mistakes of others that were beyond my control.
I could tell you how the night seems its darkest right now, moonless with all the stars behind a cloud so that I cannot tell which way I am going no matter how much I may try.

Or I could tell you the one thing that needs to be said:

I have a good, good, GOOD God. A loving God. A God that will see me through, a God that will hold my hand. A God that I have no doubt in the world is FAITHFUL.

The night is always darkest before the dawn, and my future is bright enough to fill the moonless sky.

I have a best friend who loves me. His name is Jesus, and he waged a war for my soul 2,000 years ago. Guess what? He won.

Love.

I have nothing to say on a day like today (Or so I feel)

Dear friends
I am getting a download from Papa for sure. But it's mostly personal stuff. Stuff I cannot yet put into words suitable for other people to view or hear. Actually, something crazy that Papa's been speaking to me is through the song "Where The Streets Have No Name" by U2. It's an incredible song in it's own right, but it means something special to me.

"I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
See that dust cloud disappear without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love, burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you...
(it's all I can do)

The cities a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled into dust
Ill show you a place
High on the desert plain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
(it's all I can do)"

I guess you can say I often get this feeling that I want to run so far away from everything, leave it all behind. Feel the sun and the wind and see everything the world has to offer. I have always had an unquenchable, unbridled sense of adventure. I always have felt like I belonged in an adventure, a fairy tale, a storybook of magic and action and valor, where I'm fighting to live, each new day filled with another chance to prove myself, to grow into who I'm supposed to be. I love stories of redemption, those were always my favorite.

I have reason to believe I felt (and still feel) this way for a reason. That it's a part of what I'm called to, what I'm supposed to be. Haven't you ever imagined yourself the hero in some story? Overcoming the odds to save the day? To live to see another sunrise? I have more times than I can ever begin to count.

Whenever I hear U2's song, I just about cry because it fills me with that adventure again. To break out of this dreary, everyday routine I've fallen into. Everything is set, it all has to be a certain way, nothing ever changes. I'm still looked at the same way, I'm still seen as the awkward child I once was, and not the growing, passionate, Christ-loving young person I strive to be. I want to run and find a place where the streets have no name, where no one's value is decided by the name of the street they live.

I think I'm called to play a part in a grand adventure. I think I'm invited to be something more than I ever thought I could be. Maybe God's extended his hand to me and invited me to be a part of his story. Maybe he put this burning passion for people, for the broken-hearted and the lonely, in me so I could be a part of their story.

One day, I'll break off and I'll find what I'm called to do. And I'll bet it's everything I could ever dream, everything I could ever imagine. I'll bet it's an adventure of the highest order.

I've got a role to play in one of the best, action-packed, redemption-filled stories in the world.

I bet you do too.

"The school of pain"

One of my favorite poems, since I was 12.

"I used to go to a bright school
Where Youth and Frolic taught in turn;
But idle scholar that I was,
I liked to play, I would not learn;
So the Great Teacher did ordain
That I should try the School of Pain.

"One of the infant class I am
With little, easy lessons, set
In a great book; the higher class
Have harder ones than I, and yet
I find mine hard, and can't restrain
My tears while studying thus with Pain.

"There are two Teachers in the school,
One has a gentle voice and low,
And smiles upon her scholars, as
She softly passes to and fro.
Her name is Love; 'tis very plain
She shuns the sharper teacher, Pain.

"Or so I sometimes think; and then,
At other times, they meet and kiss,
And look so strangely like, that I
Am puzzled to tell how it is,
Or whence the change which makes it vain
To guess if it be--Love or Pain.

"They tell me if I study well,
And learn my lessons, I shall be
Moved upward to that higher class
Where dear Love teaches constantly;
And I work hard, in hopes to gain
Reward, and get away from Pain.

"Yet Pain is sometimes kind, and helps
Me on when I am very dull;
I thank him often in my heart;
But Love is far more beautiful;
Under her tender, gentle reign
I must learn faster than of Pain.

"So I will do my very best,
Nor chide the clock, nor call it slow;
That when the Teacher calls me up
To see if I am fit to go,
I may to Love's high class attain,
And bid a sweet good-by to Pain."

"In Love At 19" (By Mark Mathis)

Something in the way that time stands still
When you walk towards me, I feel
Hope, peace, and eternity, baby

Something in the way your eyes speak
Yeah, they held me close and you breathed
Life into me, 10,000 white doves were released

See how my eyes tell this story
Of a man and his eternal devotion
Throw your head back, girl, and laugh one more time
Now is the season for me and you

Something in the way your voice speaks
As it comforts and uncovers all my needs
'Cause I'm a wild horse, baby, running through the canyon
And half the time I don't know what I'm running for

See how my eyes tell this story
Of a man and his eternal devotion
Throw your head back, girl, and laugh one more time
Now is the season for me and you

I know our love is just a reflection
Of all that we want to believe
Come let me lift you up just one more time
Now is the season for me and you

"The first time I passed by, my eyes caught your heart"

Friends.

The title for this blog is a Lois Grey song, Sanfrancisco. Though sadly not together anymore, they are still amazing and something to check out. A sweet little local band I very much enjoy. Just thought I'd give them shout out.

Anyway, I haven't gotten back to my blog about promises, but it's my busy, busy life. I currently have to finish three things for different people, work on a few half finished projects of my own, some projects nearly finished, touch up a few of my songs, prepare for Florida, etc.
My life is a bit full right now.

Late this afternoon, I realized with a start that today marks the halfway point to my next birthday. My half birthday, which I used to celebrate on. Realizing this, though somewhat joyful, brought a quiet soberness over me. I got hit right in the face with the truth of what I'm becoming. A young adult simply trying to follow the Lord's voice.

I've been coming to term some fears of mine. One of them being the fear of missing it. Missing the Lord's plan for my life, missing all the great things he has for me, heading down the wrong path, making a mistake and not being able to find my way back. As I get older each and every day, I've just had this gnawing feeling that I don't know WHERE I'm going or WHAT I'm doing. I feel unprepared. But luckily, there is a cure for that. Preparation. And the only way to do that now is prayer.

I love music. It's what I want to do with my life, as I've said before. I'm not quite sure what that's going to look like yet, how it's gonna take shape, but it's definitely something I need to be involved in. And Satan keeps trying to whisper that I'm wasting my time, it's a waste, it'll go nowhere.

I just know that God put my love of music in my heart for a reason. And he has told me for now, "Keep playing music, and going deeper. Focus on music and me, you'll be alright." So that's what I've been doing.

It's hard not to let panic set in. "Oh my gosh, Summer is here, I'm turning 17 this year, I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm supposed to be....God, HELP ME!"
And to be sure I've said something along those lines many times. But I'm forcing myself to realize that God isn't going to leave me without a plan, and he's not going to let me miss it. He loves me. Sometimes we've got to just trust that things will happen in the Lord's timing, that we won't be walking in circles forever. Even if that's how I feel right now, I'm sure I'm actually moving forward way more than I know.

"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for"
-Ephesian 1:11

So ok, Papa. I'm trusting you not to let me walk out unprepared. Bring on the fire. I want whatever you have for me.

And those half finished projects I mentioned above? The Lord has told me to revive them, so I will. I think God has a great sense of humor. Bringing up half finished projects on my half birthday. What a guy. He's my best friend.

Love.

Tampa, here I come.

I'm excited.

I'm going to beach. On the 15th. In the first time in forever.
I've never been to the beach in Florida. This should be AWESOME.

I'll only be there for about 5 days...but I'm not complaining. Deep sea fishing, sun, sandcastles, clear water, shopping, swimming, family time, shell collecting.

Ahh....wonderful.

My poor baby (Little brother) David broke him arm yesterday and won't be swimming. I feel so awful for him! I love him to death. He also won't be able to have a super active 10th birthday the 29th. I'm gonna see if I can pull out a few surprises for him...

Anyway. How are you all tonight? I am currently pretty swell due to some sweet words from Papa. The Chick-fil-a definitely helped.
I've been on the strangest music bend. Hip-hop (dance) and Indie Folk/Acoustic stuff. What's with me? Please suggest some sweet bands for my listening pleasure. I'll be sure to check them out.

I know this is short, but just giving you a brief update of my currently, and usually, busy life.

I'll post a little something more tomorrow.

Love.

P.S. Click on the image to see it fully. It's gorgeous and IN Tampa.

Pslam 30:5, Sorrow and Joy. (This turned out a lot longer than I expected. Good luck to anyone trying to read through this)

Dearest friends,
This is going to be a short blog. I need to post something, but I've been really busy lately. Seeing dear friends from Philadelphia, planning and working on a tremendous project soon to be revealed, eating peanut butter, sleeping, and getting some hefty stuff from my Papa God.
I promise (no pun intended) to finish my blog on promises. It will happen. I just need to carve out enough time to type it out.

Here's something I've been chewing on. It's got me pretty riled up, in the best way possible. Jesus is truly my best friend.

Psalm 30:5

"For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning."

It's so true. Jesus was a man of sorrow. Don't believe me?

Isaiah 53:3 (New International Version)

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Sometimes the Lord allows us to enter into these sorrows in our own lives. And really, we shouldn't complain about it. I'm a serious culprit of that myself. We should welcome this suffering. Why? Because it's a chance to fellowship with the sufferings of Christ. To understand, even if just a fraction, the burdens he carried for us. What a great, great love. I'm tearing up even thinking about it.

When Jesus was in the Garden, he asked two of his close friends to pray with him. This was him asking for their fellowship. Fellowship's literal definition is: "A state of being together; companionship; partnership; association; hence, confederation; joint interest."

Basically, he just wanted his friends to be with him in his time of sorrow. Just wanted them to watch with him, but sadly, they fell asleep.

Matthew 26:36-46 (New King James Version)

The Prayer in the Garden

36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”
39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”
40 Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? 41 Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
42 Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.” 43 And He came and found them asleep again, for their eyes were heavy.
44 So He left them, went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 45 Then He came to His disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Rise, let us be going. See, My betrayer is at hand.”

There is so much in this. SO MUCH. But let me try and grab just a little bit for now.
Jesus said that "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." This is so true. I am weak, I am tired, my eyes want to close. But I desire so strongly to be with God. To sit with him, and have my heart hurt as his. We cannot stand by our willpower or strength alone, but through the grace and strength of the Lord. By fellow shipping with Christ, I find myself so much closer to him.

So even though I've been dealing with some hard stuff, I can just take it to The Lord and trust him that he knows. He simply knows. He understands it all. This pain is a blessing in disguise. Satan may mean it for evil, but God is just too darn smart for him. He's using it for good.

I mean, really, Jesus didn't want to die on the cross. He literally asked if there was any other way. But he did it. For you, and me, and everyone. I can at least sit with him in the Garden for all he did for me. I can at least keep him company, as he does for me everyday. He enjoys my presence, and that's so good to know, that God is my friend and really loves me.

Back to Psalm 30:5, even though Jesus was a man of sorrow, he fills us with joy. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, and an underrated one at that. It's so important and such a blessing to have joy in my life. Check this out: I am joyful that I can be filled with sorrow. That I can just be with my precious lover in his time of pain. It's so beautiful.

My life may have sorrow right now, but true to his word, "Weeping (Sorrow) may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

I absolutely REFUSE to listen to the lies of the enemy! He can tell me all he wants that this sorrow will follow me all of my days, that it's here for no reason, that God has forsaken me, it's NOT TRUE! I will scream it back in his face, GOD LOVES ME AND THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH!

I choose to believe that I go through these trials for a reason. I choose to believe that the morning is coming, and coming soon. I choose to believe that God is loving and that he is good.

Be free in the Lord. Soar in his joy. Laugh at the little things. And just know:

"Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning."

Love.

Promises as seen through Abraham and David. (Pt. 1)

Well, I really need to update.

So despite this awful day, I'll scrap together something.
If you've been in Charlotte, you've probably noticed the non-stop rain lately. I personally love the rain, it's not really bugging me, but most of my comrades spirits are falling under the incessant gray. Actually, yesterday during a short break, I was walking to ZHOP and was praying for a rainbow. And lo and behold, there it was, all but a small side hidden! What a wonder. As it is for many, rainbows speak to me of promises.

My whole life has been a promise, since I was in the womb. A promise filled with many more promises. My parents were told they could never have children. After my older brother Matthew came, they had a word from the Lord about a second son, and his name was to be David, but nothing about a son after him, or any daughters at all. God promised my mom after a great struggle with the enemy that she had defeated him and she was pregnant with me. She later found out that it was true. And boy, was she thrilled after I was born in that little hotel in Tyler Texas to find out that I was a girl. For the first few minutes of my life she had called me David, which the Lord has turned into another promise for me, although it wasn't revealed to me until very recently.

The Lord has so many promises over my life, and for this I've always related closely to Abraham, a man God gave many, many promises to throughout his life, fulfilling them all but not necessarily in the order he gave them. Abraham is a close second to my favorite person in the bible, David. He also had nothing to hold onto for many years but the Lord's promises.

Unfortunately I must cut this short, but be expecting another update quite soon.

Love.

Andrew Bird is a man very desireable

I love Andrew Bird. One day, I would love to marry that man. But that isn't even the point of my post. Just letting you know he is utterly incredible and you should probably listen to his music if you have any taste at all.

Yesterday, I rediscovered my love of playing the piano. I mean, I never disliked it, but it kind of died down a bit. It's flaring back up. One of the reasons its so incredible is because you can put so emotion into the piano, so many vast oppurtunitys. A song with really pretty piano will always stand out. Admit it.

Music is a way of connecting. Everyone has a desire to hum, sing, whistle, something just throughout the day. Music is everywhere. There has been music in heaven since the Lord created it so long ago. God speaks through music, moves through music. We speak through music, worship him through music, rise through music, feel music deep into our very beings. We simply cannot escape it. Every once in awhile you get a song that really moves you. I find myself crying over all sorts of songs. John Mark McMillan's Closer never fails. I'm emotional, I feel very deeply, but I'm not a weepy person at all. Ok, so maybe the past month or so I have been more of one, but that's not the point.

Without music our life would be so much more cheerless. It brings us together, it, as I said before, connects us. One person starts singing a song, another person exclaims over their love of that song and joins in, and there you go, a connection.

I could go on forever about music. After all, it's what I want to do with my life. But for now, this will do.

I must go eat waffles and watch LOTR with a dear friend of mine who is paitently waiting.
Please give me some feedback. I'd love to hear it.

Love.

And so it begins....

Hello there, friends.

It's been on my heart to start a blog (I really dislike that word) lately. I started one once, long ago, but after one post stopped due to a very unpleasant experience. But now the desire is upon me again, and I somehow think this is important for the days, months, even years ahead. Really, so many people promise not to let their blogs die, and even a week or two later they forget about it, put it off, and it just fades. I will do my best not to let that happen here. Get on me about it if you have to, I want this to be a lasting thing.

Honestly, I'm not sure how to start this off. Perhaps by welcoming you.

Welcome! I'm glad you're here. Hopefully we shall get to be good friends in the times to come. I hope you'll get to know me better, and I you. Because of course, this is totally interactive. I would love your feed back. Please let me know how you are feeling about any of my posts, anonymous or not.

Now that that's out of the way, a bit about myself, perhaps?

Maybe I could better display myself through the words of a friend. She once told me exactly how she saw me.

"Here is my estimation of you...

Stronger than you think, braver than you know
heart of a warrior in the body of a lover
You have heard a call that others may soon hear
you see the gold inside and fear it not
a beautiful soul paired with a strong mind.
an encourager of men that simply needs to be encouraged."

As for how I see myself?

A young, stubborn, growing individual, with many dreams and even more hope for them to be fulfilled. A small girl with wide eyes and curly hair, who loves Sunflowers, Stars, Music, Good Conversation, Words, Coffee, and time with her best friend Jesus. One who makes mistakes, but is constantly learning and never giving doubt a second thought. One who is determined to succeed. One who is growing every single day. A writer who sees so much she simply can't let it just sit in her head without a place to rest.

My name is what I am. I have recently come to embrace that. It means "Helper and Defender of all Mankind". I will do my darn best to live up to that.

For now you can call me Ember Eyes. Ember if you prefer. There is a reason I chose that name that I'll reveal later on.

And now, as I said before, it begins...

Much love.