"I am no fool. I can tell when someone glances at me with more than just idle eyes."

A conversation between two good friends over a spontaneous, fantastically cooked meal at 10 PM. The smell of tomato and garlic fills the air. They smile, senses delighting at the first bite.

Soon more than just the fragrance of pasta fill the air. Compassion.

Each feels for the other at the remarks of pain. They slow their forks. The blue-eyed girl smiles at the one with the breaking voice.

"I want to remind you of something. Of what I said earlier. It is better to love, even in pain, than not love at all. It is better to love, even if you never win it back. But I believe that you will."

Brown eyes shine back at her as she remembers what was told her in a stairwell not too long ago by the same person now at her side: "I think you are the exception. The one out of a million."

She pauses...then replies to the blue-eyed one. "I see now what you mean. I have seen him look at me. I am no fool. I can tell when someone glances at me with more than just idle eyes."

A look passes between them. This is a night of fellowship. What the future holds for each is not yet known by any man. But one thing we can be sure of. It is bright.

"The tendency in today's culture is to want to be a star, but I want to be a servant."

Friends.

Oh my goodness, I am so weak. SO weak. I need to extend grace, but even more than that I need it extended to me. Jesus, help me. I really, really loathe what I see in myself.

"When everything inside me
Looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take."

I need to love my brother. He is my BROTHER. If I do not love my brother, than what am I? I am so mad at him right now, for sure, but I need to love him. And I will...I'm determined to. That is my choice. I will love him no matter what, I will work at love. Because love is worth fighting for.

"There are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list." -Jamie Tworkowski

"If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end. I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand." -Rise Against

I love words, quotes, poems, songs, lyrics, stories. So powerful. Some friends of mine have been showing me some real strong, deep, and wise ones. I really just want to be a servant. I love the stars....but I would rather be a servant.

And have hope. Hope is important. Hope is a fruit of the spirit. Where hope is, the spirit resides.

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars. The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I'm a seriously messed up person. I guess you can probably see that. I lack so much grace, so much humility, so much...righteousness. To be like a man called Jesus...that is what I seek. I have such a long way to go. But one day, with his help, I hope to reach that goal.

My blogs lately feel so scrambled, messed up, random, and confusing. I apologize if you are subjected to this madness. Don't feel like you have to read anything I write. I only write because I was created to. And this is simply a means of release and expression.

Love.

"You know the one thing you're fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you've got to let go
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned
You're gonna die to try what can't be done"

Oh Jesus...what's coming? It's so strong...right there. I feel it, a big change that I will never turn back from. That's why I feel like crying. Something is dying, and something is being birthed. It's painful...but it's good. It's necessary for me to grow. And I do want to grow...I'm so young. I enjoy this youth, but I know it can't last forever. Oh Peter Pan, what a true, true story you are. I love that book.

Man. I'm leaving something behind...only to gain something I do not yet know. I suppose I'll know after I've gained it. Ok Lord. Whatever you're doing, I trust you. I'm ready, my hands are open, fill them with whatever you may.

Love.

"If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end, I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand."

Friends.

I feel so...indescribable. I mean what is this? I'm ready to hit the city and just walk for hours and hours and not say a word....take some pictures. Smile at some faces. Drink a chai. Maybe whistle a tune.

I really need to get out. Mmm....roadtrip sounds too wonderful. I've just got these dang responsibilities and no cash. At least for now. But I will get out soon....travel is needed.

I did a shoot yesterday. Some self portraits. Unfortunately I really hate the way I looked yesterday. Post-show madness. But I loved the picture taking process. I can't even describe it, it's just so good to have a camera in my hand. I need a tripod badly though. A nice big one. I'm accepting donations if you have a spare. ;)


I also just watched Taken. Let me say one word. BREATHTAKING. I loved it. An amazing demonstration of a father's love. I mean I can only say wow. Go watch it. Now.
My thoughts are really scattered right now. This post is pretty random. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess.

So I pretty much just am ready to get out and do stuff. Meet new people. Do new things. And it's coming soon. I know it is...I can feel it. Alright, so here I am. I'm ready. We'll see what happens.

Love.

I'm building a city, a city in my heart, a city for you.

My heart is building a city
With tall towers and wide open streets
It's a city in my heart, a city for you.

Matthew 5:14-16
“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

I really love Jesus. A lot. He's my favorite. He's my best friend. My BFF. He means everything to me. He has given me a new song. He has given me victory. He has died to give me FREEDOM. I will never be able to express my love for him. And what's even better is that he will always love me more. Always. I can only hope to measure up to a small fraction of the way he loves me.

And just to update, I leave you with these words.

"The world gets hard, and my heart is blinking vacant....
Did you see me when our eyes did meet tonight?

I took the step, I turned and I stared to face you,
Am I worth the time, do I even tempt your mind?

If you should leave across the sea, I'd find you
'Cause there's only one, and I know it's you tonight.

Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!
Be still, hey!


We all were made to love somebody,
Let go child, why try to fight it?
If you should change your mind tomorrow,
I'd still be here to love, I promise..."

-Promise

"You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first, I loved you first."

Dear friends.

Sweet, sweet Carolina Town. My home that I love. I still feel as though I never want to leave it sometimes. But I know adventures wait beyond that which I can see, and that all things come to an end eventually. Spring changes into Summer, Summer into Fall. And then blows in the winter, cold and strong and dazzlingly brilliant. A changing of seasons. Still, I will enjoy my time here, however long it may be.

Summer is ALWAYS nostalgic for me. More than any other time. I think it's something in the lingering summer evenings, so beautiful as the sunlight spreads it's golden fingers across everything within it's reach. And it just makes me breathe deeply and think. Oh memories, so precious and so few, of climbing the trees and swinging from the branches, of swimming and picnicing and running until my feet gave out. I so closely relate to Deathcab's song Summer Skin right now.

"Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin."

Really, without meaning to, I've begun to grow up. How did this happen?

Don't get me wrong. I'm still so young, and still so ignorant of the world around me. But not quite like I once was. Here is the transformation into something new, and hopefully beautiful.
This is always the season where I most feel like crying, even if I don't actually shed tears. I think it's the sadness of losing something so precious, of growing up and having to leave behind a bit of innocence, a pinch of carelessness, a smidgen of wonder.

Also, though, I know that there is joy in growing older. I gain wisdom, learn prudence, appreciate character, acquire patience and kindness and self-control. I gain responsibility, but with that privilege. I can enjoy new aspects of life, and do things I couldn't before, go new places.

I simply think the change is worth it. It's inevitable either way, but I think I'll choose to look forward to it. And at the same time, I'll enjoy these last few years as a teenager. I'm turning 18 the end of next year. What a weird thought.

Love.

The truth is....I am who I am and I love who I am because God loves who I am and made me who I am.

The season of my soul is shifting. Here it comes, here it is. Everywhere I look I see God. He is coming, he is here. I'm being called to who I am supposed to be, and who I will be, and who I am. I am at the Wailing Wall of my heart, sending up letters to God. There they go, there they are.

Lord, give me a song and I will sing it to you. Give me a voice and I will give it back. Give me a gift and I will lift it up before you. Give me a smile and it will be all in your name. It's all for you. Here I am. I'm ready to move in what you've got.

A change just happened. A calm breakthrough. The sun came out after the storm has passed, although the storm will again appear. But somehow I have both the grace and peace to keep moving.

My call is one I am hearing even clearer than before. And I'm responding, no doubt, no fear, all faith.

"This Is Your Life"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

My favorite?

Friends.

I just really like Fireworks. I don't think there's a deeper meaning than that to my favorite holiday being the 4th of July. There might end out being one in the future, but for now I just love the fireworks and night and togetherness shared.

I love the sight, smell, sound, everything about those fiery explosions in the sky! My nickname used to be Firecracker. I still feel like it suits me.
I'm not going to try and come up with something super profound about fireworks. At least not in this post, maybe the next if you're lucky (haha).

I just remembered something. Matt Nathanson's album is called "Beneath These Fireworks". That makes me love him even more.

I love a memory I have of shooting off fireworks at our house back on Preston Court. I was maybe 11, and I had saved up money to buy some fireworks that went on sale after the 4th.
Some people from our Harp and Bowl meetings were there: Bethany and Christie were the ones I was most excited about, I was honored to have a couple of my favorite people watching ME set off MY fireworks MYSELF.
I remember the feeling of lighting the fuses myself and running like crazy towards our big magnolia tree, watching in delight as the sparks went sizzling everywhere.

Nothing special happened that night. It's just a pleasant memory of no fights, no stress, just a pretty display with my family and friends that I was able to provide. It's silly really, I don't know why I like it so much.

And to continue on the fireworks, my mom hates the 4th so we never do anything. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be taking the light-rail uptown by myself tomorrow, unless Kelly joins me, and I'll buy an ice cream and watch the night sky explode into vibrance and color. It's not that bad being alone. I'll probably enjoy it, although I'd love it if Kell can tag along.

I'm a sixteen year old girl in a messed up world, trying my best to live up to what I want to be, a perfect follower of Christ. Life has been rough recently. But at least tomorrow I can sit back, relax, and just watch a beautiful display of something I love.

Much love.