Thousands of words and so few of them fitting.

Friends.

There are many words I could say right now. Some bitter, vile, angry frustrated words, filled with questions and rage. Some sad, deep, painful words, speaking of hurt and abandonment, of hopelessness and depression.

I could pour out about the things I feel unjust in my life right now, drip words onto this page like tears. Truly I feel vulnerable, and angry about that.
I could string up everything I deem an injustice towards me up here for all to see, accurate or not, simply because I feel like it.
I could gush about everything that's built up and is now coming back to haunt me, unresolved and vengeful.
I could scream at the world via this blog about how I feel like I have no future, that the negativity spoken over my future that once seemed so bright has dimmed the way I see it.
I could tell you all the things that I'm afraid of, never willing to face, always willing to run, my bravery a joke in the face of such serious tragedies.
I could tell you about how I'm ready to face them because I know I am not defined by my mistakes, or the mistakes of others that were beyond my control.
I could tell you how the night seems its darkest right now, moonless with all the stars behind a cloud so that I cannot tell which way I am going no matter how much I may try.

Or I could tell you the one thing that needs to be said:

I have a good, good, GOOD God. A loving God. A God that will see me through, a God that will hold my hand. A God that I have no doubt in the world is FAITHFUL.

The night is always darkest before the dawn, and my future is bright enough to fill the moonless sky.

I have a best friend who loves me. His name is Jesus, and he waged a war for my soul 2,000 years ago. Guess what? He won.

Love.

I have nothing to say on a day like today (Or so I feel)

Dear friends
I am getting a download from Papa for sure. But it's mostly personal stuff. Stuff I cannot yet put into words suitable for other people to view or hear. Actually, something crazy that Papa's been speaking to me is through the song "Where The Streets Have No Name" by U2. It's an incredible song in it's own right, but it means something special to me.

"I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
See that dust cloud disappear without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love, burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you...
(it's all I can do)

The cities a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled into dust
Ill show you a place
High on the desert plain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
(it's all I can do)"

I guess you can say I often get this feeling that I want to run so far away from everything, leave it all behind. Feel the sun and the wind and see everything the world has to offer. I have always had an unquenchable, unbridled sense of adventure. I always have felt like I belonged in an adventure, a fairy tale, a storybook of magic and action and valor, where I'm fighting to live, each new day filled with another chance to prove myself, to grow into who I'm supposed to be. I love stories of redemption, those were always my favorite.

I have reason to believe I felt (and still feel) this way for a reason. That it's a part of what I'm called to, what I'm supposed to be. Haven't you ever imagined yourself the hero in some story? Overcoming the odds to save the day? To live to see another sunrise? I have more times than I can ever begin to count.

Whenever I hear U2's song, I just about cry because it fills me with that adventure again. To break out of this dreary, everyday routine I've fallen into. Everything is set, it all has to be a certain way, nothing ever changes. I'm still looked at the same way, I'm still seen as the awkward child I once was, and not the growing, passionate, Christ-loving young person I strive to be. I want to run and find a place where the streets have no name, where no one's value is decided by the name of the street they live.

I think I'm called to play a part in a grand adventure. I think I'm invited to be something more than I ever thought I could be. Maybe God's extended his hand to me and invited me to be a part of his story. Maybe he put this burning passion for people, for the broken-hearted and the lonely, in me so I could be a part of their story.

One day, I'll break off and I'll find what I'm called to do. And I'll bet it's everything I could ever dream, everything I could ever imagine. I'll bet it's an adventure of the highest order.

I've got a role to play in one of the best, action-packed, redemption-filled stories in the world.

I bet you do too.

"The school of pain"

One of my favorite poems, since I was 12.

"I used to go to a bright school
Where Youth and Frolic taught in turn;
But idle scholar that I was,
I liked to play, I would not learn;
So the Great Teacher did ordain
That I should try the School of Pain.

"One of the infant class I am
With little, easy lessons, set
In a great book; the higher class
Have harder ones than I, and yet
I find mine hard, and can't restrain
My tears while studying thus with Pain.

"There are two Teachers in the school,
One has a gentle voice and low,
And smiles upon her scholars, as
She softly passes to and fro.
Her name is Love; 'tis very plain
She shuns the sharper teacher, Pain.

"Or so I sometimes think; and then,
At other times, they meet and kiss,
And look so strangely like, that I
Am puzzled to tell how it is,
Or whence the change which makes it vain
To guess if it be--Love or Pain.

"They tell me if I study well,
And learn my lessons, I shall be
Moved upward to that higher class
Where dear Love teaches constantly;
And I work hard, in hopes to gain
Reward, and get away from Pain.

"Yet Pain is sometimes kind, and helps
Me on when I am very dull;
I thank him often in my heart;
But Love is far more beautiful;
Under her tender, gentle reign
I must learn faster than of Pain.

"So I will do my very best,
Nor chide the clock, nor call it slow;
That when the Teacher calls me up
To see if I am fit to go,
I may to Love's high class attain,
And bid a sweet good-by to Pain."

"In Love At 19" (By Mark Mathis)

Something in the way that time stands still
When you walk towards me, I feel
Hope, peace, and eternity, baby

Something in the way your eyes speak
Yeah, they held me close and you breathed
Life into me, 10,000 white doves were released

See how my eyes tell this story
Of a man and his eternal devotion
Throw your head back, girl, and laugh one more time
Now is the season for me and you

Something in the way your voice speaks
As it comforts and uncovers all my needs
'Cause I'm a wild horse, baby, running through the canyon
And half the time I don't know what I'm running for

See how my eyes tell this story
Of a man and his eternal devotion
Throw your head back, girl, and laugh one more time
Now is the season for me and you

I know our love is just a reflection
Of all that we want to believe
Come let me lift you up just one more time
Now is the season for me and you

"The first time I passed by, my eyes caught your heart"

Friends.

The title for this blog is a Lois Grey song, Sanfrancisco. Though sadly not together anymore, they are still amazing and something to check out. A sweet little local band I very much enjoy. Just thought I'd give them shout out.

Anyway, I haven't gotten back to my blog about promises, but it's my busy, busy life. I currently have to finish three things for different people, work on a few half finished projects of my own, some projects nearly finished, touch up a few of my songs, prepare for Florida, etc.
My life is a bit full right now.

Late this afternoon, I realized with a start that today marks the halfway point to my next birthday. My half birthday, which I used to celebrate on. Realizing this, though somewhat joyful, brought a quiet soberness over me. I got hit right in the face with the truth of what I'm becoming. A young adult simply trying to follow the Lord's voice.

I've been coming to term some fears of mine. One of them being the fear of missing it. Missing the Lord's plan for my life, missing all the great things he has for me, heading down the wrong path, making a mistake and not being able to find my way back. As I get older each and every day, I've just had this gnawing feeling that I don't know WHERE I'm going or WHAT I'm doing. I feel unprepared. But luckily, there is a cure for that. Preparation. And the only way to do that now is prayer.

I love music. It's what I want to do with my life, as I've said before. I'm not quite sure what that's going to look like yet, how it's gonna take shape, but it's definitely something I need to be involved in. And Satan keeps trying to whisper that I'm wasting my time, it's a waste, it'll go nowhere.

I just know that God put my love of music in my heart for a reason. And he has told me for now, "Keep playing music, and going deeper. Focus on music and me, you'll be alright." So that's what I've been doing.

It's hard not to let panic set in. "Oh my gosh, Summer is here, I'm turning 17 this year, I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm supposed to be....God, HELP ME!"
And to be sure I've said something along those lines many times. But I'm forcing myself to realize that God isn't going to leave me without a plan, and he's not going to let me miss it. He loves me. Sometimes we've got to just trust that things will happen in the Lord's timing, that we won't be walking in circles forever. Even if that's how I feel right now, I'm sure I'm actually moving forward way more than I know.

"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for"
-Ephesian 1:11

So ok, Papa. I'm trusting you not to let me walk out unprepared. Bring on the fire. I want whatever you have for me.

And those half finished projects I mentioned above? The Lord has told me to revive them, so I will. I think God has a great sense of humor. Bringing up half finished projects on my half birthday. What a guy. He's my best friend.

Love.

Tampa, here I come.

I'm excited.

I'm going to beach. On the 15th. In the first time in forever.
I've never been to the beach in Florida. This should be AWESOME.

I'll only be there for about 5 days...but I'm not complaining. Deep sea fishing, sun, sandcastles, clear water, shopping, swimming, family time, shell collecting.

Ahh....wonderful.

My poor baby (Little brother) David broke him arm yesterday and won't be swimming. I feel so awful for him! I love him to death. He also won't be able to have a super active 10th birthday the 29th. I'm gonna see if I can pull out a few surprises for him...

Anyway. How are you all tonight? I am currently pretty swell due to some sweet words from Papa. The Chick-fil-a definitely helped.
I've been on the strangest music bend. Hip-hop (dance) and Indie Folk/Acoustic stuff. What's with me? Please suggest some sweet bands for my listening pleasure. I'll be sure to check them out.

I know this is short, but just giving you a brief update of my currently, and usually, busy life.

I'll post a little something more tomorrow.

Love.

P.S. Click on the image to see it fully. It's gorgeous and IN Tampa.