A very random and jumbled post...my thoughts leap ahead of my fingers

These days just flow by, one joining into another like raindrops converging to make a puddle.

And I honestly hate it. I feel awful, for many different reasons. Life can get so tough. I feel like a stranger in my own skin right now, wondering where I went, when I'll come back to replace me, and who the heck I am. I'm a stranger trying to figure out my heart when it was way too complex for me as it was, when I had more of a grip on myself.

I'm drifting, drifting, drifting out...mm like I'm on the ocean...ready to let it all go and just float endlessly along. I'll be a ship just laying on the waves and moving wherever the wind may blow. Future? What future? Oh, you mean my dreams? They aren't dead...just sleeping.

Lots of things have happened since my last blog, sadly way too long ago. I am now seventeen years old. I have a new outlook on some of my life. I'm changing in so many ways. Pain takes shape in my heart and teaches me new things. Although so tough right now, I feel like I've gained some of the colour back in my life.

Some things never change. I have not once doubted the Lord's love for me since I was 13 years old. That won't change. I'm still lacking height, I've still got eyes so big and star-filled I think I get mistaken for an alien sometimes, and very curly hair that seems to be alive. I'm still Alec Burnett, strange girl with the boy's name that gets looked at weirdly when she responds to roll-calls for that very reason. The one whose name gets corrected by spellcheck. The unique one with the crooked smile, piercing stare, and awkward stance. I'm me.

Words surround me and lyrics seep into my soul...I connect with music like the stars connect with the sky...

"Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown. I know more than I wanted to know, I've said more than I wanted to say. I'm heading home. Yeah, but I'm not so sure the home is a place you can still get to by train."

Jon Foreman is one of my heroes because he sings right out of my heart. A place to call home. I've seen it but I have yet to live there. You know, I kinda feel dead. What a tough year. And right now I'm not doing what I love. I know it's not this way for everyone, but if I'm not doing what I love I feel like I'm sitting here useless, doing nothing, helping no one, contributing absolutely zero to a world of broken people.

Bingo. There we go. I feel useless. I like to create, and one of those reasons is because I've seen it change people, I've seen their faces light up, and I've seen joy on their countenance when they come in contact things that are produced from the soul.

But I'm just...not...doing it. I'm sitting here looking for loyalty and striving to remember the hope I know remains in my heart. Something has got to change.

"So I'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin. I'll be alone but maybe more carefree, like a kite that floats so effortlessly. I was afraid to be alone, now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be...all these faces none the same, how can there be so many personalities?

So many lifeless empty hands, so many hearts in great demand. And now my sorrow seems so far away until I'm taken by these bolts of pain, but I turn them off and tuck them away, until these rainy days that make them stay. And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs and the words still ring, once here, now gone; And they echo through my head everyday, and I don't ever think they'll ever go away. Just like thinking of your childhood home, but we can't go back, we're on our own.

But I'm about to give this one more shot, and find it in myself, I'll find it in myself."

Mm-hm...yeah....this is me. I really love Azure Ray. They accurately place me in their songs without even realizing it. It gets better.

"So we're speeding towards that time of year to the day that marks that you're not here, and I think I'll want to be alone, so please understand if I don't answer the phone. I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until I can see nothing at all, only particles, some fast, some slow. All my eyes can see is all I know.

But I'm about to give this one more shot and find it in myself, I'll find it in myself."

Tomorrow doesn't have to be just another day. So I won't let it be.